Recreation conformism

When you take a break from work (e.g. if you take a few weeks of annual leave or do something over the weekend) there is usually a set formula for what you should do. Young people are supposed to do something with their girlfriends or boyfriends. Older people should do something with their spouses, preferably go on a holiday to an exotic destination.

I don't do any of that. I am in my late twenties and I spent my free time doing things that are quite different to what most people do. For example, during my free time I like to read novels, write, or even do my tax return or spend time with family. Some people think there is something wrong with me, that I should be out with my girlfriend, but I don't have a girlfriend and automatically people think there is something wrong with me and that I should get one.

For a long time I have gone along with it, trying to please others by attempting to do normal things, but all of a sudden I have realized that I don't have to. I don't have to conform and no one can make me. I have to learn how to stand up for myself and tell other people that they cannot tell me what to do.

Facebook is not to blame for burglary

The Age has published an article titled The problem with oversharing: why burglars like you using Facebook. The article suggests that if you posts something on Facebook that burglars will know exactly where you are and, if you are not home, they will go into your house and rob it.

IT SEEMS harmless enough: announcing your holiday plans on Facebook or uploading that dinner party photo to Twitter. But according to cyber safety experts, such posts are a gift to burglars and stalkers. ''Not only are you telling me where you are, you're telling me where you're not,'' says cyber safety consultant and former police officer Susan McLean. ''And I could get that photo, run it through a program and find out exactly where it was taken.'' One New South Wales family learnt just how dangerous this can be when they were robbed at knifepoint recently, hours after their daughter posted a photo of her grandmother's savings - in cash - on Facebook. Just before midnight, two men broke in and demanded to speak to the girl, who was not home. They then stole money and property from her terrified mother.

It is certainly possible that you can reveal your location by posting pictures to Facebook, but how Facebook differs to a website is that it is not open to the public unless you allow it to be. Only people you approve to see the pictures can see the pictures you post. And if your friends are the ones robbing you, you should not be approving them on Facebook to see your photos anyway. If you don't know whether your friends are burglars or not, posting a picture on Facebook is no different to if you handed a physical photo to that friend, only Facebook is far cheaper and efficient. The problem therefore is not Facebook but that you shared photos with a friend who you shouldn't have.

Helping Friends Spend Less - Don't Do It!

I was having lunch with a friend of mine who I used to work with. His name is Harper. We went to Nando's and while there he started criticizing me for eating out all the time, saying that it is bad for my health. I told him that it is possible to buy food that is healthy, e.g. salads and sandwiches. He then claimed that I should not eat out because it is a waste of money.

When my friend tried to lecture me about how I should spend my money, it made me feel really wrong. I admit I used to do it in the past. I would tell people that they should not spend money on luxury items and that they should spend it instead on necessities so that they can save money. I even went so far as to criticize people for having children since I believed that children are expensive luxury goods. But since then I have learned that it is best to let people spend their own money on whatever they want to spend it on. Other people have different values and different goals in life, and unless you are walking in their shoes, you don't really understand and you are in no position to lecture.

I do admit I eat out whenever I am at work simply because I don't like to prepare food and I don't like to make my own food or have a family member make it for me (because it tastes bad). When you're busy dealing with the stress of work, the last thing you want is to have to deal with bad quality food that stinks up the office. In addition to eating out at work I also drink coffee. On some days I drink one cup and on other days I have two. All this eating out and coffee adds up to maybe $3000 to $4000 per year. It's a lot of money, I admit, but I kept records of how much I have spent for many years now and according to calculations that I did today I found that I only spend about 15 per cent of my gross income from work. Some people may be able to achieve better savings rates than that but this is what I am comfortable with. My friend Harper, on the other hand, had a girlfriend who he spends bucketloads of money on. I also remember him going on about a $1000 wristwatch he purchased. He wears fairly trendy clothing and even wears men's jewellery. Based on his history of spending on luxury goods, I am surprised he is lecturing me on the differences between needs and wants and how eating out and drinking coffee are expensive habits!

The lesson from this story is that in your interactions with people it is, in my opinion, a good idea to have a non-interventionist policy whereby you let other people decide for themselves what they want to do with their lives. This doesn't mean you should not help a friend in need, but there is a fine line between helping a friend and imposing your values on him.

Avoid the Joneses. Otherwise, Talk Sport.

One of the difficulties of being human (or perhaps any animal) is having to deal with status anxiety. Status anxiety is an obsession about how powerful other people are relative to you.

What I find is that among people who are obviously my superiors (e.g. my bosses) status anxiety is not a problem because it is clear what the relationship is. When I talk to my boss it is clear that he or she has more power over me and that he or she tells me what to do, and I dutifully follow these orders. I also try to learn from these people.

If I am among people who are obviously my inferiors then likewise I find that those at the bottom tend to show admiration towards me. When you are among your inferiors, you have a choice of either being cruel and belittling to them or alternatively you can be compassionate and try to guide, help, and develop these people. As Thomas Carlyle said, "A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men."

However, it is the relationship among people of more or less equal status that is difficult. The uncertainty about who is superior to whom spurs competition. Your colleague at work who is at the same pay level as you wants to think he is better than you by talking up how important his work is. Your neighbor across the road will want to impress you with hus expensive car.

The Avoid-the-Joneses Strategy

I get along well with my superiors and my inferiors, but not my equals. The mainstream solution to this problem is to tell yourself that buying status symbols and showing off is childish and silly, and not to be worried about it. In other words, when Jones shows off his new Ferrari and trophy wife, just forget about it.

The problem with this solution is that it ignores how much status anxiety affects us all. It is human nature that we feel jealous when our equals seem to be getting ahead. This is because we are losing control and losing power. When we see the neighbor showing off his luxury car and trophy wife, it will create pain. We must accept it. There is no point denying your own biological urges and trying to wish them away. These instincts will exist and will continue to exist.

The solution then is not to try to deny the problem or to try to forget about it. The solution is to simply not be friends with your equals and try to limit the amount of interaction you have with them. In other words, avoid your equals.

This strategy of trying to associate with people who are clearly your superiors or your inferiors, in my opinion, leads to peace and harmony because everyone knows his role and position. But how do you avoid your equals if these people are the people you work with, your neighbours, relatives, and so forth? Even if you try your hardest to spend little time with your equals, there is a good chance you will still have to be polite with them, to talk to them, and so forth.

Talk about Sports

If you are with your equals, try to limit the amount of time you spend with them, and try to talk about topics that do not create status anxiety, e.g. do not talk about personal finance, work, or money. It is better to talk about trivial topics like the weather, sports, film, or television. Many people already do this instinctively, which is why discussions about sport are very popular and why discussions about topics like wages are taboo.

The Implications of Class Mobility

People move around quite a bit. Your boss may lose his superior status because of a multitude of reasons. He may get fired or he may get divorced and lose all his money. But if your boss suddenly becomes less fortunate than you, this should not create too much anxiety for you. The real danger is if your inferiors suddenly become your equals or if your inferiors become your superiors.

Your inferiors may become your superiors in a very short period of time as they may advance more quickly than you. It is important then to estimate how likely it is that a particular inferior person you are talking to will advance in status to the point where he is equal to you. If it is reasonably likely, then try not to talk too much about topics that elicit status anxiety. Try instead to talk about trivial topics. The more risk averse you are, the more you should talk about trivial topics.

Image: Neither Fanboy

Defensive Socializing in the Workplace

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.